Silly Imaginings

I have been in OSLEP (Oklahoma Scholar Leadership Education Program) for the past 4 days. The first day of class one of the writing assignments was for the class as a whole to generate a list of words and then each one of us had to write a story out of our imagination using those words. I rather like the way that mine turned out :) haha makes me laugh

     Once upon a time, the Dalai Lama, who is considered to be very wise, found out that he wasn't a very good cook. On this particular day, he attempted to make sushi from a roly-poly. He found the taste to be bitter, and the thought that he had killed the innocent roly-poly for such a vile taste filled him with sadness and regret. However, he still craved good sushi so he sought out a pirate who he figured would have knowledge of such things. After all, it was either that or his neighbor the track star. The pirate did prove to be a good teacher, and the Dalai Lama made such excellent sushi that the pirate encouraged him to open a sushi stand at the local duck pond. It was a huge success. In fact the Dalai Lama was able to afford ukulele players and hula dancers as nightly entertainment for the guests. Soon people were driving their yellow cars down miles of road just to taste this sushi fresh from the waves of the ocean. It was even better than twizzlers and coffee. And that is how the Dalai Lama became the most famous sushi chef in the world and of course, lived happily ever after.

Love, School, and More Life

     Today marks the second day of school. Second semester, junior year. I cannot begin to tell you how ready I am to graduate. I often question why I am going to school in the first place. I realize it will be beneficial to me, but I have discovered that I am not the type of person to enjoy school. I can succeed it in sure, but it absolutely takes all my willpower to make me get up in the morning and sit in a classroom for hours upon end. Not to mention the additional time constraint of homework every night. Nevertheless, I must finish what I start.
     This semester will prove to be interesting. I have taken over the Arts and Entertainment pages of the Cameron Collegian. As of yet, I really am not sure what I am doing. All I know is I'm assigning stories to people. Hopefully I get the hang of it soon.
    As for classes, well once again Cameron University fudged up. Switched my advanced speech teacher. I'd have no problems with it except that I'm not really a fan of this teacher. He drives me crazy, but thankfully he was an easy teacher last I had him so maybe my stress level will be lower with him. My other classes are Accounting, Management, News Editing, Newspaper Reporting, and Weight Training. Why weight training? Well, Cameron requires that you take 4 P.E. credits to graduate and it fit in my schedule. No, I'm not trying to scare my brother by being one of those buff women. (He says that is is only fear.)
      On to the good stuff. I honestly thought I would be single for a long time after my last relationship. Scratch that. I wanted to be single for a long time after my last relationship. I was tired of getting hurt over and over again. But sometimes life has other plans.
     I met Jacob the Thursday before New Years. I had just gotten off work, and randomly decided to stop by Buffalo Wild Wings to hang out with friends from church. My friends from church go there every Thursday night after our young adult service. I hadn't planned on going. I was tired, in uniform, but I hadn't been able to go in a few weeks so I told myself I would stop by on the way home for just a few minutes. Well, it's hard to go to BWW on Thursday night without getting some wings so my few minutes went through the window pretty quickly. Good thing I stopped to eat or I might have missed the greatest blessing in my life from the past few weeks. I had known Jacob's brother for a few months, and was supposed to meet Jacob about a month before. Jacob was down from North Carolina visiting his dad and brother. Conversation struck up and we hit it off...
 New Year's Night we started our relationship. Yeah it hasn't been going very long, but there are little things that keep popping up that are serious answers to prayers years prayed. I have no doubt that we will last, that we will be happy, that he will be there with me through thick and thin, and that I can share my life with him. Seriously, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. He's the kind of guy that pumps the gas and opens the car door for the girl no matter how much she may roll her eyes or tell him he doesn't have to. He's taken the time to get to know my family, adopted my parents as surrogate parents. I could go on and on, but I don't want to... I don't want anybody trying to steal him away haha. :) But my friends have been able to notice a difference in me even over facebook chat or phone how much happier I seem with him than anybody else. One friend remarked that he hasn't seen me this happy in a long time. Thank you God and please let it last.
Other than that, not much is going on here. I look forward to the day when I get a real job and quit serving drinks and appetizers to people on a daily basis. I like being a waitress, but at the same time I hate it. It gets so monotonous. I'm ready to move on, but I don't see that happening until graduation....pooh. So maybe I'll start blogging more to break up the work drone.

Musings

I should have known that a second chance would turn into a second heartbreak. I honestly still loved you. I expected the same from you. How was I to know that you were just lonely for a warm body? A role that almost anyone could have played. I should have seen the signs, not been so quick to let you back in, but I was afraid to say no to love, and less afraid of the further damage you could cause.
My heart don't heal as quickly as it used to. Each cut seems deeper than the last. I will not; I cannot trust you ever again. Don't bother coming back. I don't want you. I'll find better. This wound will heal and I'll move on.

Unconditional

A very dear friend of mine requested that this be updated in light of recent events. I don't even know where to start. I'm in the process of learning a very important lesson. It relates to human unconditional love. I firmly believe that somewhere out in the big world there are people who still know how to love unconditionally. For some reason, I have not met these people at the right time in my life as of yet. However, while my faith in it may be blurred right now, my hope and prayer for it manifested in my life does still exist.
I recently dated a guy who I met here in Oklahoma, but who ended up being moved by Uncle Sam to Colorado. Things started off perfectly as they always do, and slowly we began having our ups and downs. The ups were great, but the downs got to us. He eventually decided that he couldn't handle the stress of long distance relationship coupled with the possibility of a deployment. He broke up with me.
I heard from him only a couple of times in the months that followed. Three in all. And then one day out of the blue, he called me. We began talking again and he promised that he still loved me and that he always would. I took the bait-hook, line, and sinker. Within a few weeks, he was planning a future with me. We even entered what most would call an engagement. Until about a week ago, life was great. Then he started not calling, or not answering his phone. I prepared myself for the worst, but he tried to assure me that everything was great with us. I finally managed to work up the courage to ask him if he was cheating on me. He didn't give us the chance to discuss it, but instead chose to ignore me for about a day and a half (which if you know me is like a millenium because I'm the most impatient person on the planet). Ignored my phone calls, texts, and facebook messages. I know I pushed too hard for an answer-that was my mistake. I took full responsibility for the argument. I apologized. However, when he finally did respond, he decided that he would rather not try to work past our squabble and live without me than to continue to love me. He claims that he fell out of love with me within the 24 hours that we didn't talk. Not only that, but he broke up with me in a text message without giving me a chance to even talk. That's not love, and it really makes me wonder if he ever loved me.
As I look back, I realize how much of the relationship was centered around him. I have worn myself thin the past few weeks trying to please him, and be the perfect girlfriend. Fearing that if I didn't measure up to his standards he would leave me behind. And most of the time I didn't measure up. I worried about his safety too much or wanted to talk to him more than once a day, etc. I failed to realize how much I was compromising by being with him. Even though I truly loved him, and I still do, it was not a healthy relationship.  He loved me only when things were perfect between us. He didn't choose to share our lives. I was like the perfect set of rims on a new tire. Just an accessory. And when my shine started to fade-it was time to trade me in for the newer model.
As much as I looked forward to my life with him, I only pray that this was God's way of saving me from what I couldn't see myself. I'm hurt and I'm disappointed, but if I stop and reflect I know it's eventually for the better. Someday someone is going to look past my faults and see the loving heart that's here. I have bad days sometimes like everyone, but instead of judging me and ignoring me this man will tell me everything's gonna be ok. There will be problems, but over time we will grow stronger through the problems we CHOOSE to work through TOGETHER. It won't happen everytime, but the solution to those that we do work through together will be so much better than those we work out on our own.
True love is unconditional. It accepts you for who you are, but encourages you to be the most you can be. It is not selfish or proud. And that's a piece of Biblical truth right there so you know it's good stuff.

A Year?

Wow, it's been almost a year since I published anything on here. Fail. lol. I'm not even going to try and catch anyone reading up on this what's happened in the last year. There would just be too much to explain lol. So I'll just hit the high points.
I'm a junior at Cameron University. Three more regular semesters. WOOHOO! My major is journalism and I am a published reporter. You can read some of my stuff on www.aggiecentral.com
I'm still a waitress but I recently got a new job and will be moving to a new restaurant where the pay should be better.
I'm living with family and I attend an awesome church. Lawton First Assembly-that's where it's at.
For those of you who remember, I used to frequently deal with headaches. Well, they're back. In fact, guess what I did today? Yep, I had to make a trip to the ER. Oh the memories there.
Doctors can't find anything that is wrong so for now it's meds and sucking it up.

But life is good. And I'm blessed. I have a wonderful family and a wonderful church family.
I'm going to try and blog more.

Happy New Year

So this started out as a diary entry. It's kinda personal, but I think it's important too. It's an area of my life that could definitely use some improvement, and surely there are other people in the same boat as well.
...I guess normally New Year posts would be about omg! it's 2010 and oh these are my new year resolutions. And mine is to a point. I mean yeah I want to do all the normal stuff that I put down every year like strengthen my relationship with God, lose weight, and overall be a better person. But somehow I manage to forget those come oh I don't know sometime early than February. This year I want to concentrate on one thing that I think will really improve my life and that won't be too hard to remember or even do. If you know much about me, you know I've been hurting a lot in relationships lately. Some of it is certainly self-inflicted from stupid decisions, but some wasn't. But that's not the point. Today I heard a really thought-provoking song at work called, "What Might Have Been" by Little Texas. I'm going to try and remember to post a link to it at the end. It was not the first time I had heard it but it really made me think today. The song is all about what could have been if this guy had ended up marrying someone else. And I realized that sometimes I think about that. Not intentionally, but it's hard not to. So here's the point: I'm going to work on not thinking about that anymore. I mean I can't change what happened in the past to work out how I used to dream they would. And honestly I don't want it to happen that way anymore. The other guys I have dated should have no impact on my life anymore. I'm ready to let go of them all. Kinda like Matthew McConaughey in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past except the opposite. All thinking of this stuff is going to do is poison the current relationship you are in. I'm in an amazing relationship with boy I don't ever want to picture life without. I don't want to ruin that by time-to-time thinking about what would have happened if I was still with so-and-so. So it's definitely time to forget about the pain, love, and other feelings that have to do with those other guys. I mean God is definitely sovereign and there is a reason my life is different right now than what I might have predicted a year ago. I'm positive that once I completely let go of all this, my relationship with Ryan will be so much more amazing that it is right now and more amazing than I could even dream about right now!
And maybe this doesn't only have to do with relationships. There are definitely times that my family or I moved and I didn't necessarily want to, but I got to not think about what could have happend if I had/or had not moved. I can still be friends with those people, but ultimately I need to move forward and let God have the control of my life to live a life that is blessed and fruitful as a Christian that could compare to no other lifestyle as well as just being content with the life that I currently live.

Anyways, happy new year to you all. Let's make 2010 a great year to be alive!
"What Might Have Been" by Little Texas

Merry Christmas

I doubt I will be getting on here tomorrow be posting on my blog tomorrow to tell you all a Merry Christmas. So Merry Christmas to you now.
Here in Oklahoma we will certainly be having a white Christmas. With at least a foot of snow, this will be the whitest Christmas we will have had in a while. The wind is blowing very strongly right now that it is picking up the snow and blowing it across the yard.

In other news if you haven't heard, I'm transferring to Cameron University here in Oklahoma. This was a hard decision but in the end it will save me a lot of money since I will be living at home again. We'll see how it goes. I already have a job and it is as a waitress at Cracker Barrel. School starts on the 11th and that's whats going on with me right now!